I am so excited to be writing this post because it is highly requested. Many of my single girl friends want the tea on my pre-engaged dating life. I want to start this by saying that we, as women don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy or to fulfill our life’s purpose! That is not ever the point of my message and I want to uplift and encourage those who are in a single season, especially those who are happy as a single. Know that you are more than enough and that you are complete on your own! Now, of course many single ladies want to find a great partner and build a healthy relationship and I am also rooting for ya’ll!
I will definitely be writing a separate holistic post about my dating life before my current relationship. It was a mess but needs its own post to be fully described in all of its glory! I want to share mistakes, lessons, takeaways, and just empower women to be smart when dating.
However, THIS post is about one guy in particular that I was talking to a few years ago when I was living in Texas. At the time, I was so confused about our “relationship” and so many things still didn’t make sense until recently. Yes, I have been with my fiancé for over 3.5 years but growth is about learning from past mistakes, especially as a Christian who wants to teach my daughters the proper way to date and build meaningful relationships. My past is a part of the woman I have become and that is why this story resonates with me still.
Sometimes, we find ourselves in sticky dating situations and this was one of those for me. It is embarrassing, but I want to share because if I this post or any information I share can help one person avoid being that girl then, that is good enough for me!
At the time referenced in this story, I was online dating and looking for a serious relationship. I wanted to be committed and possibly start the road to marriage. However, I am throwing shade to my former self by saying I was completely oblivious and naive. Anyways, let’s get into the story…
A couple years ago, in Texas, I had joined an unnamed online dating app and met a guy who we will call Mark. I won’t describe him here but at the time, Mark was definitely my type physically, had a southern accent, and was in grad school but originally from another city (outside the immediate area where we lived).
Mark and I talked for a couple of months. We would go out, chill at his apartment, and we even went to a concert together! Ya’ll, once he took me to this concert of a big name artist, I was thinking “wow, he really likes me because he spent money on these tickets and chose to take ME?!”. At this point, everything is going great and I’m spending a lot of time (nights) at his apartment. There are a couple of specific memories that stand out to me from the time we “dated”. Below is an actual selfie I took before the concert. lol.
First was my birthday…I just remember he definitely told me happy birthday but there was no mention of meeting up, a gift, a card, going out for dinner or anything. I don’t depend on guys for anything but my thought was since we were talking and had been for a couple months (maybe 2 at this point), that he would at least take me to dinner. When I complained about the lack of a gift or gesture for my birthday, he apologized and invited me out to dinner the next night. Where did he take me?… a Korean bbq wing spot. LOL. Ya’ll, I was like ummmm what? Of course, I convinced myself that he was a grad student, so maybe he wasn’t balling out of control and I let it go. I was annoyed but I was not dwelling on that. I enjoyed my wings and I was somewhat satisfied with the gesture. Plus I didn’t want to get mad because he didn’t have the money to take me out to a real restaurant. I know, I know, ya’ll are probably fully rolling your eyes at this point already.
Next I remember, he had to leave for the weekend to go back to his hometown to visit his family. Sounds legit because he was from outside the area and he was living there for school, plus his family lived in a town that was driving distance from the city we lived in. Well, the weekend comes and goes and when he gets back, he invites me over. He had a desk in his room where he had like school books, a backpack, laptop, etc. I was at his apartment and saw some bundles of hair on the desk next to his backpack. I asked about the hair, specifically who it belonged to and he responded that he got it for a female friend. He said he had a hookup with bundles in his hometown and this female friend asked him to bring some bundles back to school. I was skeptical about this and I think this is the moment when I started to have concerns about whether this guy was involved with other women. Like, what man has bundles in his bedroom for a friend? lol. I mean, possible but just not very likely. At this point, we gradually stopped hanging out because I was naive, but not utterly clueless. We would still talk from time to time until our relationship kind of fizzled out completely.
Honestly though, I was embarrassed. We have all been there, talking to someone that we had no business talking to and for far too long. I had successfully convinced myself that I didn’t need to hold this man to a high standard by making excuses several times for him.
Over the next year, Mark texted and called me trying to talk again multiple times, even after I was in a relationship with my now, fiancé. He was told off several times as well and eventually had to be blocked.
Now, I did not find out the whole truth about the situation with Mark until very recently (like within the last 6 months). Somehow, he came up on the “people you may know” on Facebook, so I decided to browse his profile out of curiosity (not because I care) and ya’ll my mouth was on the floor. He now has two children, the oldest had to be born around the time we were talking, if not very soon after (that math says that his baby’s mother was at least pregnant when we were talking). I also discovered that he is now married to the child’s mother and from the dates on his “Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous wife” posts, he got married a couple of months after we stopped talking and they were definitely together at that time. So, Mark had a whole family or was building one when we were talking? Yup.
I am now happily engaged and relieved that I dodged that bullet in some ways and found a man who would never. The point is, I definitely had to kiss a few frogs before I found my prince.
There are several morals to this story that I’m going to let YOU put in the comments down below. lol.